Sunday, November 30, 2008

My Potty Mouth...

Makes the baby Jesus cry.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Baby Powder & Apple Juice

So, newsflash, I'm the worst mom ever. I mean, I don't, like, neglect them, but... sometimes I need to sleep. And sometimes I can get away with a little extra time in bed in the morning if I supply granola bars and the Disney Channel.

(Holy Shit! Cool Runnings is on! See... this, right here? This is why I can't get my butt out of bed in the morning... Damn you TBS.)

Anyway, the other morning, they were content to play in the 2 year old's room while I lay in bed all warm and dreamy, when Champ comes flying in.

"Mom! Bear's playing with the baby powder!"

I got out of bed so fast that I got dizzy. Bear's entire room was covered in powder. I rounded the beasts up, supplied food and apple juice, turned on the TV and went up to clean up the mess. I'm vacuuming when I hear a strange noise, but I'm not the mom who breaks up fights, so I kinda ignore it until I hear a very distinct "Uh-oh". God, what now??

I go downstairs to find that Bear has climbed onto the kitchen counter, knocked a gallon of apple juice off the counter, picked up the container and dumped what was left of it onto an arm chair...

Good God, how is it that everything can spiral out of control so quickly? (And why am I surprised by this?)

Obviously, I'm LIVID that I've cleaned and mopped before I was even dressed, but how do you even punish a 2 year old for this? Seriously, they know that this is bad, but does a time out even cover it? Really?

So yeah, I kinda let it go. It was too early to even think about the naughty corner and, God help me, I needed to put on a bra. (What the fuck, is it to much to ask that the trouble start after I'm decently attired?!)

So yeah, I'm a terrible mother because the very next day what did I do? Turned on the TV, put the juice back in the fridge and got back into bed.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Bragging Rights

So... I don't want to be that Mommy, you know the one who's child is magnificent and gifted and can do everything better than yours, buuuutttt... My 2 year old said "Douche Bag" today! I know! He's sooo smart.

I mean it's not the alphabet or counting (which he actually can do, a little), but I think "Douche Bag" is a little advanced for a toddler. It's no "stupid-head" or "butt-face", "Douche Bag" is an adult level insult. Listen to all the cool kids. It's what everyone is saying.

So my little guy may not be reading or pissing glitter, but he can cuss your kid out!

(Ha! I win!)

Saturday, November 15, 2008


"Mom, you forgot your strap on."

-Champ to me as I was trying something on in a changing room. That was the last time he'll ever see me disrobe.